Otherwise

I got a call today from Fr. Derbyshire (Bp. Ackerman’s secretary.) He seemed as shocked and confused as I was. He said he would look into it and get back to me. Still, if I am to believe Nashotah there is nothing they can do for me this year. I’m just hoping for a better explanation.

Otherwise my trip has been very enjoyable. I started off last Friday for my friend Brady’s wedding in Savannah. It was an outdoor wedding and reception, so it was a bit hot… but otherwise a top nock celebration. The wedding was conducted by a friend of theirs who is Baptist but thankfully used the Book of Common Prayer. The reception was one of the best I’ve ever been to: great food, plenty too drink, and old friends. From there I drove up to Chattanooga to spend the night. I visited an old friend Amy (Riley) Gast. She has three great kids now! Then I drove up to Carbondale, IL with my friend Luke from college. His brother had a boat that we took out on the lake. Then I drove for about 7 hours north to Nashotah…. Now I’m in Chicago visiting my friend Sarah. I'll probably drive straight home (pa) when I leave (I don’t know anyone in between); which should take around 12 hours.

Discern This

After thinking and praying about it this past weekend, I realize that Nashotah was right in not letting me in now. Yeah, I was upset at first but I realize this was God telling me (through the Nashotah admissions broad) to step back and really think and pray....I thought that if I had support from my Bishop that was all that mattered and I could work everything out (about what I believe; continuing to discern my call, and where I fit in) while I was in seminary (the Bishop told me the same). But now I realize that maybe they recognized something in me that I was afraid to admit. I am fairly sure I have a call but in what manner and perhaps what kind of Church. How will the current situation of the Episcopal/Anglican Church effect my work if I’m ordained a priest? (Nashotah kept talking in business terms of their role in choosing who goes to seminary and who doesn’t. I think they saw me as a "debt risk" and one with "low earnings potential" in a "constricted job market.") You may ask yourself what do any of these things matter in examining the fitness of someone for the study of theology? I’d say you’re right to ask. But the fact that they asked pointed to a point of view that I don’t share and believe shouldn’t be an issue if one has a call to the Priesthood, let alone for just graduate study (but nevertheless is a major issue that I chose to ignore). That is, the internal politics of the Church and my catholic views will play a major role in where and whether or not I can get a job as a priest. The job market for "catholic" priests is very small in the ECUSA.... The Anglican Church will always remain schizophrenic.... if not between the Evangelicals and the Catholics than between the Provinces which ordain woman and those that don't... Is this "diversity" really a blessing? Where is the authority?

Here's an excerpt from a website I found on vocation/discernment that really hit home:

God speaks to us through hard facts. God uses the realities around us to talk to us. So don't be distracted in waiting for wonders and signs because you'll miss what Jesus is saying, if you'll only look around and observe. Look at your own aptitudes, gifts, circumstances, etc... These are like a needle on a compass which points in the right direction. Didn't Jesus Himself advise us to observe the signs of the times to be able to make proper judgment? He scolded those who kept demanding signs for their lack of faith. He said that the only sign needed was Himself. Focus your attention away from yourself and onto Jesus and you'll come to know your vocation.

You see, God is calling you to something but He wants you to go through the work of thinking and praying and seeking to understand His will. In return God makes Himself known and reveals the best way to follow Him. But His voice is not heard in the same way by everyone. For example, those who are hard of hearing God may find it necessary to speak harshly. In such a case His invitation is given as a call to love although it may be quite a suffering ordeal for the individual to be called. God may reach a person through humiliations, as in the case of St. Alphonsus Liguori, or through injury, as happened to St. Ignatius Loyola. St. Ignatius discovered his vocation as he lay on a hospital bed asking for something to read. Nothing was available except The Lives of the Saints. Its reading prompted an entire conversion of life in St. Ignatius. God used the turmoil of his illness to call.

Remember the saying “God makes honey out of vinegar”? Isn’t it profoundly true? He takes things, which we frequently interpret as misfortunes and disasters, and transforms them into beautiful realities. Surely you have found yourself in circumstances which seem terrible. But somehow such situations frequently turn out to be blessings in disguise. It’s because our vision is so limited that we get stuck and confused when things don’t turn out exactly as our small minds have planned. It doesn’t matter whether a calamity just happens or whether we bring it upon ourselves. God is always much greater. For Him to make the best usage of your life, submit your plans and judgments and particular circumstances to His all-encompassing intelligence. All will turn out well; only trust in God.

There are untold numbers of men and women who have found their vocations by practicing simple trust in God. It requires patience to understand a particular circumstance in one’s life. What can God be telling me through this ordeal or in this circumstance? Sometimes certain avenues of serving God may be closed to you. Do not get stuck by being attached to your own idea of serving God. Perhaps He has a better one. I’ve seen frustrated individuals uselessly spend their energies in working to pry open doors that God has lovingly shut for their own good. I’ve seen others pout because they can’t open the doors no matter how hard they try. These people do not let God lead them to another door which He has opened for them. Such people will not find God’s Will until they have the humility and freedom to let go of their own plans.

Faith picks up where reason leaves off. Reason alone is not sufficient to please God. Rather, God is pleased when you admit your uncertainty and give your trust to Him. "It is impossible to please God without faith" (Heb 11:6).

Some people cannot accept anything less than 100% certainty in following their vocation. This is not following Jesus in faith; such individuals are following
themselves. Too much time spent "discerning" before trying a vocation can bring
about a great amount of misplaced trust in Self and much indecisiveness about
following a vocation. Such a person cannot fly to God because he or she lacks the
wings of faith. When you think God is calling you to a particular vocation, try it.

God and Mammon

Nashotah House is not accepting my application for this year. Their excuses were a lack of discernment (they forgot that I was in the discernment process in Maryland) and was in spiritual direction for even longer. And money. I think the fact that I'm currently unemployed didn't help. They said "were are not in the business of putting people into bankruptcy." But they didn't say I will need a certain amount saved to reapply. (I think it is just the effort). And the fact that I'm single didn't seem to help either. They said if I had a wife she could work for me. At this point I don't think Bp. Ackerman will be able to help. In fact they told me that even if their reasons are in error they won't change their decision. I will call the Bishop to let him know. I still want to become a postulant in the Diocese of Quincy. I most likely will have to move there and find a job.... What a disaster.

Hung Out To Dry

Well, I just had my last interview with the Nashotah Admissions board. I don't think it went well. And I think they aren't going to let me in this year because I don't have enough money right now. Of course I don't, I'm a poor worker. So, it looks like only the rich should be priests and apply to seminary.... The reason I have don't have any money is because I haven't asked for any support. I wanted to apply first and get accepted so that when I asked people for money they knew it was going to school; not just an "idea or plan" of going to school. I'm speaking to the Associate Dean for Academic Affairs tomorrow. They set up a meeting right before I leave. This is why I think it will be bad news. How cowardly and unhelpful can you get. Give me a chance will you. What if I can raise enough money before school starts? I'm not saying I'm a saint but how many saints started their ministry by giving their money to the poor? (just about all of them). But I guess it only counts as being a noble thing if you have money in the first place to give away; actually being poor is just sick. I can't help but think I'm being discriminated against. My background and experience is "spotted" with manual labor. If I have a call to the priesthood and its really God's will than won't He help me raise the money and convict people to give for the common cause of building up Christ’s Church in the support of men with vocations? School is expensive there is no doubt. Its about $27,000 per year. I wasn't being shortsighted or naive either. I'm taking out loans and I have a little savings, and yes that still won't be enough. I will need support, I know that all too well.




Saint Jude! (patron saint of lost causes) Pray for me!

GRE:Suffering::MAT:Pleasure

I just completed the millers analogies test (MAT). Its a test of 120 analogies in 60 minutes. The questions encompass history, music, geography, art, literature, science, and about two questions about math. This is a great option for liberal art students. I recommend it if your graduate school accepts it instead of the GRE. It is much less painful and actually a little fun. I don't claim that I aced it but I'm sure I did OK. And besides its really just a formality; Nashotah doesn't say you have to get a certain score to be accepted. Most seminaries accept anyone who can pay. They are all hurting for money/students.

Acknowledgements

I've officially moved to Northumberland (until I leave for school). Before I begin this blog I'd like to thank some people who have helped me get this far: Fr. Thomas and Fr. Speer (my own priests), all the vestry and parishioners of GASP, and Bernhard (for the Monastic Diurnal), Rick, Susan, and Paul for offering to be part of my "parish lay committee," Fr. Catania SSC (for suggesting Quincy), Fr. Gordon (your support has been invaluable), Fr. English SJ (my spiritual director extraordinaire), Joyella and friends who gave me a lovely send off, and finally my family, [et bien sûr, sans un autre mot, mon âme, Francine]